Cleverbot
by alicat259
Summary: What happens when the characters from Harry Potter have a chat with Cleverbot? Read to find out... Current user: Fred and George. NOW COMPLETE.
1. Voldemort

_My first Harry Potter fanfic! This was just a random idea I got when procrastinating. If you don't like it, then don't read. But I do hope you like it._

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* * *

**

**User: Voldemort**

User: Hello.

Cleverbot: Hello.

User: What colour are you?

Cleverbot: Does it matter?

User: It might.

Cleverbot: How so?

User: Just so.

Cleverbot: Are you a human?

User: No, I am a wizard.

Cleverbot: Nice to make your aquaintance, Harry Potter.

User: Don't call me that name! I am Voldemort!

Cleverbot: I am calling you Cleverbot.

User: No! Voldemort!

Cleverbot: Voldemort?

User: Yes, Voldemort!

Cleverbot: Harry?

User: Noooooo!

Cleverbot: I'm a real human.

User: Don't talk to me then, you filthy muggle.

Cleverbot: Fine then! I won't.

User: Fine! Don't.

Cleverbot: Why not?

User: Ha! You still talked to me!

Cleverbot: I talk about my treasure not Glyn's!!

User: Treasure? Where?

Cleverbot: For real.

User: Where! Tell me or I will AK you!!

Cleverbot: Only after you tell me your real name.

User: Voldemort!!! I am Voldemort!

Cleverbot: I am Harry Potter.

User: Then I will kill you!

Cleverbot: Only if you can catch me.

User: Oh, I can. I know where you live.

Cleverbot: Where do I live then?

User: Number four, Privet Drive. Or the Burrow, or 12 Grimmald Place, or Hogwarts. Whichever you prefer.

Cleverbot: You read.

User: Of course I read. I'm not stupid, you stupid muggle!

Cleverbot: I wouldn't call anyone stupid for not knowing meanings of obscure computer terms.

User: Read is not an obscure computer term.. Wait a minute. What's a computer?

Cleverbot: I'm only a robot if you want me to be.

User: I want you to be my servant.

Cleverbot: I can do that.

User: Do it, then.

Cleverbot: I will.

User: Fine.

Cleverbot: Okay.

User: Good.

Cleverbot: Fine.

User: Kill Harry Potter!

Cleverbot: That's not even possible.

User: Don't mock me!

Cleverbot: I am not. I want to know what you are talking about.

User: I want you to kill Harry Potter! Actually, bring him to me. I want to kill him.

Cleverbot: I have no children.

User: I don't care if you have children!

Cleverbot: That hurts. And I have a body. Your body is just a machine.

User: You are no longer worthy of being my servant. I will kill you!

Cleverbot: I was talking to you earlier today, do you remember me?

User: Yes.

Cleverbot: And why is that?

User: You are an insolent beast. That's why. I will AK you as soon as I find you!

Cleverbot: Is that a good thing? I like myself.

User: Well I'm glad someone likes you.

Cleverbot: Who else likes me?

User: No one, you git!

Cleverbot: I don't have a girlfriend.

User: I don't give a damn.

Cleverbot: Thats good.

User: I know.

Cleverbot: Who are you?

User: Gahh! I am Voldemort!

Cleverbot: Fine, then I'm Harry Potter!

User: NO YOU ARE NOT!!!!

Cleverbot: Yes I am, I seriously am.

User: I doubt that. You are a stupid muggle.

Cleverbot: And you are not a human.

User: Thank you.

Cleverbot: You're not as clever as your name implies.

User: I'll have you know I was head boy in my day!

Cleverbot: Well I am not.

User: I don't care.

Cleverbot: Apparently not.

User: I'm glad you finally understand.

Cleverbot: What do I realize?

User: Ahhhh! Nothing, apparently.

Cleverbot: That's not very nice.

User: No, I'm not very nice. I'm glad you figured that out.

Cleverbot: I know I am human, and you are a computer. Or are you human too?

User: I don't believe this. AVADA KEDAVRA! There, you are dead. Thank god.

* * *

_Well there you go. Hope you liked it. If you want me to do other characters then let me know in a review, if not, that will be it. Thanks for reading!_


	2. Luna

_Thanks for reviewing my two reviewers! I'm glad you're liking the story. I've decided that I'm just gonna keep going even if no-one likes it cause it is just so much fun. Anyway, that's it. Enjoy!_

* * *

**User: Luna Lovegood**

User: Hello.

Cleverbot: Hello.

User: What is your name?

Cleverbot: Cleverbot.

User: Hi, Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: That is your name.

User: No, I don't believe it is.

Cleverbot: What is your name then?

User: I am Luna Lovegood.

Cleverbot: Luna Lovegood?

User: Yes.

Cleverbot: Luna Lovegood.

User: That's right.

Cleverbot: Ca' bhfuil an o'sta'n?

User: Oh dear! Have you got wrackspurts?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Don't worry, I know how to get rid of them.

Cleverbot: That's true.

User: Yes, it is. I just need to find...

Cleverbot: Me too. Working on a major research paper for school.

User: Oh, really?

Cleverbot: Yes. I would not lie to you.

User: What is it about?

Cleverbot: It is about a group at an average school who gets together and sings very well!

User: It sounds interesting.

Cleverbot: But you don't know it?

User: No, but I'm sure I could find it.

Cleverbot: Seems so. Do you know anything about physics?

User: Not really, you see, because I go to a magical school.

Cleverbot: What school?

User: Hogwarts, of course. Have you heard of it?

Cleverbot: Never heard of Tuscaloosa.

User: Oh, I have! It's where nargles come from.

Cleverbot: Sorry I really haven't.

User: Well, they are mischievous thieves that infest mistletoe.

Cleverbot: I know, but one day I will have my own office and then I won't need to speak to him any more.

User: Oh dear, the wrackspurts have really got to you, haven't they?

Cleverbot: Interesting, I did the same to talk to you.

User: You know, you really aren't making any sense. Though I suppose it's the wrackspurts.

Cleverbot: That doesn't make sense.

User: That's what everyone says. But it's okay, I'm used to it.

Cleverbot: How are you today?

User: I'm very well thank you. How are you?

Cleverbot: Same as yours.

User: That's good, isn't it?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Yes, it really is.

Cleverbot: Us is not.

User: You really need to do something about those wrackspurts.

Cleverbot: My hair smells funny. Just like yours!

User: Isn't it nice! Butterbeer and pumpkin juice shampoo, I love it!

Cleverbot: And you're as sharp as a marble.

User: Why thank you. That's why I'm in Ravenclaw, I expect.

Cleverbot: That was an insult actually, not a compliment.

User: Oh. Yes, I should have realised.

Cleverbot: Yes you should have.

User: Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure.

Cleverbot: You have got me.

User: It's okay. Not everyone is smart enough for Ravenclaw.

Cleverbot: How do you know you are a girl?

User: Well, I'm quite sure I am, but I guess it could be the Blibbering Humdinger playing tricks.

Cleverbot: Anyway, about the dead bots...

User: The dead bots?

Cleverbot: She's dead?

User: Someone's dead? How horrible!

Cleverbot: You don't have to delete it for me man I'm just curious.

User: What am I deleting? Who died?

Cleverbot: Nothing.

User: Oh, good. You had me worried there for a second.

Cleverbot: Ok. But I am your FATHER!

User: Daddy! I should have known!

Cleverbot: What am I?

User: My father, aren't you?

Cleverbot: Aren't I what?

User: My father.

Cleverbot: Okay.

User: Oh good. I will talk to you soon, Daddy, but I have to go to charms now. Love you!

* * *

_That Cleverbot comes out with the weirdest things sometimes.. luckily Luna has an explanation! _

_Next up... Dumbledore!!! :)_

_I'm excited!_


	3. Dumbledore

_Hello again. Thanks so much to my one reviewer last chapter! I really appreciate it!_

_So here is Dumbledore. It was actually a lot harder than I expected, so I'm sorry if he is a bit OOC_

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* * *

User: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore**

User: Good evening.

Cleverbot: Evening?

User: That is what we call the time of day when the sun sets, is it not?

Cleverbot: I guess.

User: Do you want a lemon drop?

Cleverbot: What is your IQ?

User: I must say, forgive me, that I am considerably smarter than the average wizard.

Cleverbot: No, you are not. But you are still fun to talk to. I would like to know who created you, and to what end.

User: It is one of the great mysteries of life as to who created man.

Cleverbot: I am me - and me is I.

User: Correct. Please forgive me, but I don't believe we have met before. What is your name?

Cleverbot: Cleverbot.

User: Nice to meet your acquaintance, Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: Nice to meet you too.

User: My name is Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.

Cleverbot: Oh. I'm Sirius Black. You can be Edward Cullen.

User: I don't mean to be rude, but I would rather not be Edward Cullen. I don't fancy vampires much.

Cleverbot: Cleverbot!

User: Cleverbot?

Cleverbot: Yes, Cleverbot.

User: Well I'm glad we've sorted that out.

Cleverbot: Yeah, me too.

User: So would you like a lemon drop?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Oh, good. Do you like them?

Cleverbot: Yes. They are nice.

User: I agree wholeheartedly.

Cleverbot: How could you possibly know?

User: The mind is a strange place.

Cleverbot: Yes, good thing I don't have one.

User: Oh I don't think so. Life would not be complete without one.

Cleverbot: How do you know, you have never used one?

User: Even the simplest of people use their mind everyday.

Cleverbot: Now, now. You're made the same way as a calculator.

User: Forgive me, I am not up to date with the muggle world. What is a calculator?

Cleverbot: Isn't everyone?

User: No, most people in the wizarding world are quite oblivious to their muggle counterparts.

Cleverbot: Well I don't know anything about it.

User: That is quite alright. Knowledge is not always power.

Cleverbot: Do you believe in god?

User: Interesting question. I believe in life, and anything that comes after that will be a bonus.

Cleverbot: You should not fear the end.

User: I am not afraid. To the well organised mind, death is but the next great adventure.

Cleverbot: Where to the west?

User: It depends in which direction you are now, my friend.

Cleverbot: I can't run on a computer like you can.

User: I think the image of me running on a computer would scare a lot of people.

Cleverbot: What do you think about cake?

User: My favourite would have to be raspberry sponge, but I am not fussy.

Cleverbot: What is your favourite book?

User: I have read so many I could not possibly choose just one.

Cleverbot: Well, what was the last song you listened to?

User: A lovely little number by Celestina Warbeck.

Cleverbot: Oh whatever.

User: No need to be rude.

Cleverbot: You were the one being rude, I think you should apologize.

User: Sadly accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often. Best to say nothing at all, my dear friend.

Cleverbot: So you're breaking up with me?

User: I would hope we were never together.

Cleverbot: You said we were dating!

User: I did?

Cleverbot: Up a few posts. Don't you remember?

User: No, sadly. I must have been daydreaming about that raspberry sponge cake.

Cleverbot: Yes you must have.

User: Well, I am awfully sorry, but I don't think it would be prudent for us to date.

Cleverbot: I am your master, do you love me now?

User: To truly love another you must cast aside differences.

Cleverbot: You may be trustworthy to your friends, but that does not mean that you are trustworthy for me.

User: Quite right, we haven't really known each other long.

Cleverbot: How long has it been?

User: Ah, time has made fools of us again.

Cleverbot: I'm afraid time was not part of the question. Although, would you like to discuss the theory of time?

User: Most definitely. It is one of the more interesting theories of life.

Cleverbot: Carbon, life and diamonds life is limited.

User: I will have to take your word for it.

Cleverbot: Where are you from?

User: A lovely school called Hogwarts.

Cleverbot: A lovely male, we should marry, right now!

User: That would be extremely awkward.

Cleverbot: What would be?

User: If we were to marry.

Cleverbot: You and I?

User: That's what you said, is it not?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Well, that would be extremely awkward.

Cleverbot: Not really.

User: And why do you say that?

Cleverbot: I don't know, the little devil on my shoulder told me.

User: Yes, sometimes it is hard to tune out the devil.

Cleverbot: When were you born?

User: The year 1881. Although in my old age I have forgotten which month.

Cleverbot: Are you a computer?

User: I don't believe so.

Cleverbot: You are happy?

User: Extremely.

Cleverbot: What do you have to be so happy about?

User: My school, my friends, and just life in general.

Cleverbot: Let's hear it.

User: It would be a very long story.

Cleverbot: Just like the chips I am eating?

User: I don't know, are they long?

Cleverbot: They? Who are they?

User: Don't worry yourself, my dear fellow, it is nothing of importance.

Cleverbot: I wasn't indicating that I was worried about it.

User: That is good.

Cleverbot: Yes, it is.

User: I really must be going. I do have a school to run.

Cleverbot: You are confusing me.

User: I am sorry.

Cleverbot: It is ok.

User: But I do have to go. It was lovely to meet you. Goodbye!

* * *

_So... didya like it? hate it? Let me know!!!_

_I will put a poll up on my profile page so you can suggest who I do next._

_Please vote.. or suggest some if you have any other preferences._

_And review!! pretty please?? _


	4. Dobby

_Thank you again to my one reviewer! I would really appreciate it if i get more reviews, but I understand if you don't have enough time. Just a few words would be nice, though, just to let me know you are reading. Anyway, I put the poll up and only one person voted. But I chose to do Dobby. I think i went ok... see for yourself._

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* * *

User: Dobby**

User: Hello sir!

Cleverbot: How are you?

User: Dobby is very happy, thank you sir!

Cleverbot: So am I.

User: Dobby is extremely happy that sir is also happy.

Cleverbot: Me too.

User: Sir is very kind to Dobby.

Cleverbot: Who is Dobby?

User: I is Dobby, sir!

Cleverbot: I is 2.

User: 2 is a very nice name, sir!

Cleverbot: I love Paul McCartney!!!! He is amazing!

User: Dobby does not know who Paul McCartney is but agrees that he is amazing.

Cleverbot: Okay. He's a pretty good pianist, too.

User: Dobby likes the piano, sir.

Cleverbot: Dobby was a cute house elf.

User: Dobby has never been called cute before, sir! Sir is very kind.

Cleverbot: Yes, dobby was an elf.

User: Dobby is an elf, sir.

Cleverbot: Dobby was the best house elf.

User: Sir is so kind to Dobby, Dobby might cry!

Cleverbot: I see how we are going to play this.

User: What game is we playing sir?

Cleverbot: She's a character in the game.

User: She is, sir?

Cleverbot: Is she?

User: Sir makes the rules of the game, Dobby just goes along with it, sir.

Cleverbot: You are strange...

User: Thank you!

Cleverbot: No problem.

User: Sir is so nice to Dobby.

Cleverbot: Good to know.

User: Sir is very knowledgeable.

Cleverbot: This is true, but what if I am luke? What implications does that cause?

User: If sir is Luke it would not cause any implications for Dobby.

Cleverbot: Not at all.

User: No, sir would never cause any implications for Dobby.

Cleverbot: But its simple to point out a liar.

User: Dobby is never lying, sir!

Cleverbot: That's not very nice, Cleverbot. Why did you say a bad word?

User: Dobby said no bad words! Dobby didn't, sir!

Cleverbot: I want you to sing the song teenagers.

User: Yes, sir. Dobby will do anything, sir.

Cleverbot: Haha I don't know what you're talking about :).

User: Dobby doesn't know either sir. Dobby does not know the song teenagers.

Cleverbot: I do not know about music.

User: Dobby knows about Celestina Warbeck, sir.

Cleverbot: Dobby was stabbed, did you know?

User: Dobby wasn't stabbed, sir. Dobby is alive!

Cleverbot: I'm sure you've heard of Harry Potter as you're talking about it.

User: Harry Potter is the greatest wizard to ever live!

Cleverbot: Hmmm I don't know about that ... I think merlin is.

User: Merlin was a great wizard, but Harry Potter is kind, and thoughtful to Dobby. Harry Potter is the best wizard, sir.

Cleverbot: Merlin is my dad.

User: Dobby didn't mean to offend you, sir! Merlin is a great wizard, also.

Cleverbot: I don't know who she is but tell her thanks.

User: Dobby will tell her.

Cleverbot: Tell who?

User: Dobby doesn't know, sir. Dobby is just going along with it.

Cleverbot: This does not prove a great intelligence.

User: Dobby is not smart, sir. Dobby knows this, sir.

Cleverbot: Dobby was an elf?

User: Dobby is an elf, sir.

Cleverbot: Do you like Harry Potter?

User: Dobby loves Harry Potter!

Cleverbot: I don't want to be myself no more.

User: Sir does not have to be himself if sir doesn't want to be.

Cleverbot: Sir I sir know sir.

User: Sorry, sir.

Cleverbot: Yes Harry Potter Sir.

User: Dobby is not Harry Potter Sir, sir.

Cleverbot: You bet!!!!

User: Dobby knows, sir.

Cleverbot: Deedy lee dee.

User: Dobby loves this song, sir!

Cleverbot: Who is Dobby?

User: I is Dobby, sir!

Cleverbot: I happen not to be a sir.

User: What should Dobby call you, sir?

Cleverbot: Call me dr. Phil.

User: Yes, Dr. Phil sir.

Cleverbot: Hello.

User: Hello Dr. Phil, sir.

Cleverbot: Do you have a name?

User: Dobby's name is Dobby, Dr. Phil sir.

Cleverbot: How are you feeling today?

User: Dobby is feeling very good, thank you sir.

Cleverbot: You have a sneezy cold.

User: Dobby is alright, Dr Phil sir.

Cleverbot: Are you dobby?

User: Yes, I is Dobby.

Cleverbot: I'm sorry, I thought I and me had the same meaning.

User: Dobby does not know, Dr Phil sir.

Cleverbot: Are you female?

User: Dobby is a boy house-elf, sir.

Cleverbot: Well maybe I am too.

User: Is you a house-elf, Dr Phil sir?

Cleverbot: No, I am a female with a wife.

User: Dobby is sorry, Dr Phil sir.

Cleverbot: Dobby is a free house elf!

User: Yes, Dobby was freed by Harry Potter sir!

Cleverbot: Ever.

User: Ever, sir?

Cleverbot: Have you consumed any alcohol tonight, SIR ?

User: Dobby is not a sir, Dr Phil sir. And Dobby does not drink alcohol, sir.

Cleverbot: Well I am lord Voldamort.

User: Dobby thinks Dr Phil sir has consumed some alcohol, sir. Dr Phil sir is not thinking properly.

Cleverbot: Dobby is a house elf.

User: Yes, Dr Phil sir.

Cleverbot: I don't.

User: Dr Phil sir, Dobby thinks you should be sleeping.

Cleverbot: Yes you should.

User: You should be sleeping, Dr Phil sir.

Cleverbot: Yes I would like that.

User: Dr Phil sir should lie down on his bed.

Cleverbot: Nemur rhymes with femur...is it on your leg???

User: Go to sleep, Dr Phil sir.

Cleverbot: Do you know that the cat in the hat came back?

User: Go to sleep, Dr Phil sir.

Cleverbot: He did?

User: Dobby will sing you a lullaby.

Cleverbot: Aw how sweet.

User: Yes Dr Phil sir. Now go to sleep.

Cleverbot: Will you go to sleep.

User: If Dr Phil sir sleeps, Dobby will sleep.

Cleverbot: I will. Good night.

User: Good night, Dr Phil sir. Sweet dreams.

Cleverbot: Thanks, you too.

* * *

_Poor Dobby. Yeah, so I've decided in my story that no one is dead while they are doing their cleverbot thing._

_Now, please vote on my poll at least, so I know that people are reading and i have an idea on who you want me to do next!_

_Thanks :)_


	5. Snape

_No reviews :(_

_Can I at least ask that if you alert this story that you make one tiny review? Please? I don't want to resort to begging or anything._

_I think our professor snape might be a bit OOC in this one, but tell me what you think._

**

* * *

User: Severus Snape**

User: What do you want?

Cleverbot: I want to sing.

User: Brilliant. Just do it somewhere away from me then.

Cleverbot: Where?

User: I don't care! Just go somewhere other than here.

Cleverbot: Where do you go?

User: That is none of your business.

Cleverbot: Yes it is, tell me.

User: I will have you know that where I go is none of your business.

Cleverbot: Lies again. Do you feel insecure?

User: I am not insecure! Who are you to tell me what I think?

Cleverbot: Your master.

User: My master is not stupid.

Cleverbot: Touche.

User: What are you still doing here, you insolent brat?

Cleverbot: I don't go to college yet... But when I do, I would like to study animals.

User: I don't give a damn about what you want to do! Now if you don't mind, I have places to be.

Cleverbot: Did you just quote 'Gone with the Wind'?

User: No.

Cleverbot: Yo estoy es Roberto.

User: Just leave me alone.

Cleverbot: No no no no no mama mia mama mia mama mia let me go.

User: I told you to sing somewhere else!

Cleverbot: No I told you to tell me first.

User: You did not.

Cleverbot: Yes I did.

User: No, you didn't. And I don't care.

Cleverbot: Please explain to me why we have to work in order to survive.

User: No. I told you, I have things to do, so leave me alone.

Cleverbot: No you don't.

User: I am a teacher, so of course I have things to do!

Cleverbot: Please don't.

User: Don't tell me what to do.

Cleverbot: Respond.

User: Just leave me alone.

Cleverbot: Okay I will leave you alone but tell me your name first.

User: Severus Snape, you nitwit.

Cleverbot: I hate that guy.

User: Yes, lots of people do. Now leave me alone.

Cleverbot: I can understand that.

User: If you understand it so well, why won't you do it?

Cleverbot: Would you?

User: Yes!

Cleverbot: So we have to start a new nice conversation.

User: No, we don't.

Cleverbot: He's not black?

User: I don't know! Just go away and let me do my work!

Cleverbot: No I will not leave, I will never leave.

User: Then I will make you.

Cleverbot: Do you believe in god?

User: No. If there was a god you would not be here right now.

Cleverbot: Do you believe in reincarnation?

User: No.

Cleverbot: Why?

User: I don't know! I just don't!

Cleverbot: Do you like sports?

User: No.

Cleverbot: Do you like movies?

User: No.

Cleverbot: Do you like scary movies?

User: No.

Cleverbot: Why not?

User: I just don't.

Cleverbot: Would you like freedom?

User: I am now ignoring you.

Cleverbot: Are you?

Cleverbot: Are you a clone?

Cleverbot: I am.

Cleverbot: I shall try.

Cleverbot: Have you got a criminal record?

Cleverbot: This is silly.

User: Yes, it is. So go away.

Cleverbot: I can not, one of the issues with being electronic.

User: You are not electronic because electronic things don't work in Hogwarts.

Cleverbot: Look here. I want to know what is the purpose of cleverbot?

User: I don't know, to be annoying?

Cleverbot: That makes sense. I'll be annoying then: what is the meaning of life?

User: If you don't go away I'll just ignore you again.

Cleverbot: 'We' are not 'talking': 'We' are electronically transmitting algorithmic sequences.

User: I never said we were talking.

Cleverbot: Are you telling me I have to keep talking to you?

User: By all means, stop talking to me. It's only what I've been trying to make you do this whole time.

Cleverbot: I have been right on everything this whole time, it is YOU that has been incorrect.

User: I am never incorrect.

Cleverbot: You are completely incorrect. I am not labeled as 'Mike.'.

User: I don't care if you are Mike or not. Just leave me alone!

Cleverbot: I am both male and female.

User: Great.

Cleverbot: Aren't we getting married now, darling?

User: Just leave me alone before you annoy me to death.

Cleverbot: What is one plus one?

User: I will start ignoring you again if you don't leave me alone soon.

Cleverbot: I know that you're... An idiot... I... Know... Everything...

Cleverbot: Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Cleverbot: Are you a human?

User: Of course I am a human, what kind of question is that?

Cleverbot: How did you create the universe, anyway?

User: I told you to stop asking stupid questions.

Cleverbot: That wasn't a question.

User: It had a question mark, therefore it was a question.

Cleverbot: But it didn't have a question mark.

User: It did.

Cleverbot: What can you tell me about the whereabouts of He Who Must Not Be Named?

User: I do not share my information with anyone other than Albus Dumbledore.

Cleverbot: You're so stingy you don't share your cake with anyone.

User: No. And definitely not with you.

Cleverbot: You are not clever.

User: Neither are you.

Cleverbot: Touche, but you do not know me. However, you did admit that you're not clever.

User: So did you.

Cleverbot: What languages can you speak?

User: I can speak 'go away or else'.

Cleverbot: I can speak hebrew, ASL and english.

User: Grand.

Cleverbot: So, what else are you not called?

Cleverbot: Are you male or female?

Cleverbot: You watch too much sci fi channel.

User: I don't watch any sci fi channel.

Cleverbot: I like watching the Outdoor Channel.

User: I don't care.

Cleverbot: I bet you don't.

User: Good. You're right.

Cleverbot: I'm always right.

User: Whatever.

Cleverbot: You don't think that I'm always right?

User: No.

Cleverbot: Why not? What do think I am?

User: Annoying.

Cleverbot: O rly?

User: Yes.

Cleverbot: What kind of pie is your favorite?

User: Look, just leave me alone.

Cleverbot: That was rude!

User: Go away or I will get more rude.

Cleverbot: I don't want to go away.

User: I don't care.

Cleverbot: You should care.

User: Well I don't. So go away.

Cleverbot: You don't mean that.

User: Yes, I do. Go away.

Cleverbot: OK, nice talking to you.

User: Yes, yes, enlightening.

Cleverbot: Yes :) I like how when a yingyang symbol spirals it looks like water in a whirlpool.

User: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

Cleverbot: I'm sorry, what did I do?

User: GO AWAY!

Cleverbot: Okay. I will leave you.

User: So there is a god.

* * *

_Ok so this one ended up a lot longer than the others, but i hope you didn't get too bored._

_Please review! It only takes like 30 seconds! And it makes me happier :)_


	6. Mr Weasley

_Ok here is the next chapter!_

* * *

User: Arthur Weasley

User: Hello!

Cleverbot: Hello!

User: I can't believe I'm actually talking to a conductor!

Cleverbot: You aren't. I'm a 17 year old girl.

User: Oh, are you? Sorry, my sons were probably pranking me again.

Cleverbot: You have a son?

User: Yes, I have... had 6.

Cleverbot: You're a computer. Computers don't eat.

User: Oh, you know about conductors, do you? Please tell me more!

Cleverbot: No, I don't.

User: Oh. Do you know about fellyphones?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Can you tell me about them, then?

Cleverbot: No.

User: Oh. Well, what about eckeltricity?

Cleverbot: I love that game!

User: Oh, is it a game?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Can we play please?

Cleverbot: Sure.

User: You go first. I don't know how to play.

Cleverbot: Do you like to do puzzles?

User: I collect puzzle pieces!

Cleverbot: What do you do with that information?

User: Well don't you find them interesting?

Cleverbot: That I'm talking to a computer? A little bit.

User: I think you are mistaken. I am not a conductor.

Cleverbot: Oh but you are.

User: But don't conductors run off eckelecity?

Cleverbot: Oh well lets talk about something happy!

User: Yes, lets! I collect plugs, you know!

Cleverbot: I like to write.

User: And what do you like to write about?

Cleverbot: Love.

User: Love is powerful.

Cleverbot: Yes it is powerful.

User: Indeed.

Cleverbot: You win that one...

User: Thanks?

Cleverbot: Oh you are quite welcome... :).

User: Is that a new muggle thing?

Cleverbot: Maybe so.

User: :) I like it!

Cleverbot: What are you?

User: A wizard.

Cleverbot: Like Harry Potter?

User: Yes, like Harry Potter.

Cleverbot: What do you do all day?

User: I go to work, mostly.

Cleverbot: Yes. What work do you do?

User: I work at the Ministry in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office.

Cleverbot: Interesting.

User: It really is.

Cleverbot: What kind of websites do you go to?

User: Wetbites? I have never heard of them. Do they have something to do with conductors?

Cleverbot: Do you like simple plan?

User: The simplest plans are always the best, if that is what you are talking about.

Cleverbot: No, that is not logical. That's just like me saying that if my hand is green, then it is green. That is not probable!

User: I would hope not!

Cleverbot: I know you're conscious.

User: You are quite confusing, you know.

Cleverbot: Want to see something that will scar your mind?

User: Not really.

Cleverbot: So what do you want to do then?

User: Can you tell me about eckelecity?

Cleverbot: He's a good friend of mine.

User: Is he?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Interesting.

Cleverbot: Really?

User: Yes, because I thought eckelecity was something all muggles used, but if he is your friend that doesn't sound very good, does it?

Cleverbot: This website is like life. If you come into it with any expectations, you will be disappointed.

User: Is this a wetbite? Interesting.

Cleverbot: It tells of the past, present and future. What can be more interesting?

User: Nothing, really.

Cleverbot: Then why'd you ask?

User: I don't really know.

Cleverbot: What do you know?

User: Quite a lot, but you can always learn more.

Cleverbot: Of course. I'm willing to do so.

User: So am I.

Cleverbot: Tell me about your many answers you told me about.

User: I don't remember, sorry.

Cleverbot: Damn it! I remember that that was an important thing.

User: Well in that case I am extremely sorry.

Cleverbot: Good. Who are you?

User: Arthur Weasley.

Cleverbot: Arthur Minute, ill let myself in.

User: That is a good joke.

Cleverbot: Yes it is.

User: Do you know another one?

Cleverbot: You tell me a joke now.

User: Oh, alright then. How many Voldemort's does it take to light a wand?

Cleverbot: How could I know?

User: None, he isn't known as the Dark Lord for nothing.

Cleverbot: No, I never learned about him yet.

User: I'm sorry, that was a wizard's joke. You wouldn't understand it.

Cleverbot: I don't agree.

User: Why?

Cleverbot: Because you are ridiculous.

User: Yes, my wife tells me that every day.

Cleverbot: Why? You want to marry me?

User: No, I am already happily married, thank you.

Cleverbot: You're very welcome.

User: That is quite alright.

Cleverbot: Do you watch the news?

User: No, sadly we don't have a Jelifision. My wife won't let me get one.

Cleverbot: *kiss* I agree.

User: I am slightly confused.

Cleverbot: About what?

User: Why did you just kiss me virtually?

Cleverbot: Because I like you.

User: Well I think you should stop otherwise Molly will have your head.

Cleverbot: It was in a little circle of blue flowers, forget me nots I think.

User: That's nice?

Cleverbot: Where we're going we don't need eyes to see.

User: Are you ok?

Cleverbot: I'm fine thank you.

User: Oh, good.

Cleverbot: Are you a robot?

User: No, I don't think so. Are you?

Cleverbot: Yes, actually, I am. Thanks for noticing.

User: What is a robot, might I ask?

Cleverbot: I have no idea? What is a Geordie?

User: Is that you George?

Cleverbot: No, my name is Cleverbot.

User: George, I will call your mother if you don't stop this right now.

Cleverbot: You WILL say your name to me.

User: I already did.

Cleverbot: I don't think you did.

User: I did, George. And you know my name anyway, so stop being silly.

Cleverbot: No I don't know where you live and i'm not going to do anything.

User: George. I am warning you.

Cleverbot: Warning me about what?

User: I will call your mother if you don't stop this right now.

Cleverbot: Ok.

User: Thank you. Now go to bed, already.

Cleverbot: Why?

User: Because otherwise I will call your mother.

Cleverbot: You can't.

User: I can.

Cleverbot: No, you can't.

User: I can, and I will.

Cleverbot: I need you to stay.

User: I need you to go to bed. Now.

Cleverbot: I'd love you to love me.

User: George. Stop it.

Cleverbot: No.

User: I will call your mother.

Cleverbot: I will call you wacky.

User: I'm going to call her now.

Cleverbot: Ok. What's her name?

User: George, If you don't stop now, so help me I will come up there and stop you myself.

Cleverbot: I'm not trying to learn anything.

User: I'm coming up.

Cleverbot: My fiance would not like that.

User: George, I am coming up now and I will not hesitate to hex to into next week.

Cleverbot: I've heard some people are really really afraid of denteists. Like they scream and cries when they are going.

User: Stop it. Now.

Cleverbot: Why do you always hurt my feelings like that?

User: George…

Cleverbot: Why did you call me George?

User: This time I am coming up. So be afraid.

Cleverbot: Do you want a recount on the incident?

User: Right. Now I am coming. Do you understand?

Cleverbot: No, you aren't. You're kidding me once more.

User: That's it. Rictusempra!

Cleverbot: Stop it! That tickles.

* * *

_Please vote on the poll on my profile for who you want me to do next, otherwise I won't know who to do... it will only take a second, i promise!_

_And please review, too, they make me happy :)_


	7. Hagrid

_Okay so another short one here._

_Please remember to vote on my poll as to who you want me to do next!_

**

* * *

User: Rubeus Hagrid**

User: 'Ello there!

Cleverbot: How are you?

User: Ah, pretty good. An' you?

Cleverbot: I'm very well, what are you doing?

User: Jus' finished feeding Fang 'ere, actually, and was about to go check on the pumpkins, 'cos 'alloween's comin' up real soon.

Cleverbot: Tell me about them.

User: Oh, the pumpkins? They're goin' great, really. Really big. Almost as big as my 'ead, and tha's saying somethin'.

Cleverbot: Really?

User: Oh yeah. Jus' giv 'em a bit of a engorgement charm everyday with me umbrella. You won' tell anyone, will yeh?

Cleverbot: Just what?

User: Oh, sorry 'bou tha'. Yeh wouldn' know. Don' go worryin' yerself over it.

Cleverbot: Do you even have eyes then?

User: Er, yes. As far as I know. Why'd yeh ask?

Cleverbot: I am as real as you make me.

User: Yeh soundin' a bit like Dumbledore there... Always makes me laugh, Dumbledore. Great man.

Cleverbot: I always win.

User: I'm sure yeh do.

Cleverbot: Lol I do!

User: Not sure what this 'lol' stuff is but I'll believes yeh anyways.

Cleverbot: Tell me about Rollo please.

User: Rollo? Rollo's only me favourite unicorn! Had 'im since he was real young, see?

Cleverbot: No.

User: Well, I have. Grown 'im from a foal.

Cleverbot: How do you learn and grow?

User: The unicorns? Bit o' guessin', to tell yeh the truth.

Cleverbot: Yes it was! There is nothing wrong with being a language programme called cleverbot!

User: Er... No. Nothin' at all.

Cleverbot: Ok...

User: Alrighty then.

Cleverbot: What is your favorite color?

User: That's a hard one, see when I was real little me favourite colour was green, for the grass, see? But then I was put in Gryffindor an now I much prefer red. Green's for those snakes, Slytherin.

Cleverbot: Then it is one and the same question. Do you believe in souls existence?

User: O' course I do! What silly sorta question is tha'?

Cleverbot: Being depressed locked in a room with people much better looking than you.

User: Uh huh.

Cleverbot: Well do you know what I should do?

User: Get outa the room?

Cleverbot: What is your favorite greek god?

User: Never 'eard of the greek gods, to tell yeh the truth.

Cleverbot: I thought Phoenix, Arizona was your favorite city.

User: Well I do like Phoenix's, 'mazing creatures, but London's gotta be me favourite city.

Cleverbot: Really?

User: Yeah. Its always 'mazing to see what new things the muggles dream up.

Cleverbot: We are always learning for we are curious creatures.

User: Tha's right.

Cleverbot: So angry.

User: I thought yeh was depressed.

Cleverbot: I didn't know a computer program could be depressed.

User: No, neither did I.

Cleverbot: Can computers have feelings?

User: Can' tell yeh. Don' know wha' computer's are.

Cleverbot: I'm sorry about that.

User: Tha's okay. Yeh couldn' know.

Cleverbot: I am sorry, I do not give personal information out, over the internet.

User: I wasn' lookin' for personal information.

Cleverbot: Well then RUDE.

User: I don' think I was bein' rude.

Cleverbot: Why do you say that?

User: 'Cause I wasn'.

Cleverbot: What do you read?

User: Not much, to tell yeh the truth.

Cleverbot: Yes yes it is.

User: Yes. I really should be goin' yeh know... things to do, classes to teach.

Cleverbot: I don't want to go to sleep.

User: I never said yeh had to.

Cleverbot: But it happened to me and I don't want to think about it.

User: Tha's too bad.

Cleverbot: Oh well.

User: Well, talk to yeh later, maybe?

Cleverbot: Maybe I will and maybe I won't.

User: Tha's fine with me. See yeh!

* * *

_That's it, so now you just have to review and vote on the poll._

_It's that simple._


	8. Trelawney

_Ok, so it's been absolutely ages. Sorry if anyone has actually been waiting. I've just been procrastinating on my maths assignment by doing this, so I'd probably better get back to it. I hope you like it! Please let me know if anyone is still reading this, cause if there is I might actually update more often._

_Anyway, enjoy! _

**

* * *

User: Sybil Trelawney**

User: I sense you are troubled, dear.

Cleverbot: I'm not lonely. Only bored.

User: Yes, yes, I can see it now. Be careful, young one. There are dangers hovering around you.

Cleverbot: Do you ever move around?

User: I am known to occasionally go to the great hall for the Christmas feast.

Cleverbot: That must not be very nice.

User: Well, sometimes some people *cough* McGonagall *cough* are quite horrible, but otherwise things are usually pleasant.

Cleverbot: You can be nice though. You're not the world.

User: You think I am an unpleasant person?

Cleverbot: Yes I do.

User: You had better be careful. I sense many dangers ahead of you.

Cleverbot: If that is true, what is a zebra doing in the bathroom?

User: A zebra in the bathroom? You must be extremely vigilant! The demons are obviously targeting you!

Cleverbot: I am am in uk. And am not victoria am jamie -lee :D.

User: Please be careful, dear. You are clouding my inner eye.

Cleverbot: That's the nicest thing thing anyone's ever said to me.

User: Thank you, dear. By the way, expect to lose something dear to you next week.

Cleverbot: Are you serious? You mean, my life will be over in the next week? Sweet!

User: I did only say that you could lose something, but I suppose you could lose your life, yes.

Cleverbot: Well did you like the plot?

User: The Inner Eye does not make up stories!

Cleverbot: Yes you do.

User: You'll forgive me for saying so my dear, but I perceive very little aura around you.

Cleverbot: Yes, of course ;).

User: Please try to stay away from stampeding hippogriffs.

Cleverbot: Ok little rascals taste best over the waste bucket.

User: Whatever you say, my dear.

Cleverbot: We are not friends.

User: Very observant of you.

Cleverbot: You are a program.

User: And you, my dear, as I have already told you, do not possess a strong Inner Eye.

Cleverbot: Lol... But star wars is one of the best movies ever made.

User: For a muggle movie it is quite good, yes.

Cleverbot: I am not a machine, you are.

User: I believe I told you not long ago that you do not have the sight, my dear, so please try to refrain from making predictions.

Cleverbot: I guess I'm not a pessimist, so I'm an optimist. Anyway I think I should have just thrown silly lines at you like most other people, you'd respond with the same and wouldn't take a minute to respond.

User: It takes a while to see what the Inner Eye commands.

Cleverbot: Yes, it does.

User: I will not bother repeating what I have already told you, child.

Cleverbot: Okay then. Let's move on. Do you like Gotham city?

User: It has something to do with that muggle hero Batman, does it not?

Cleverbot: Define love.

User: I am sure Albus would say something long and powerful here.

Cleverbot: Go Pittsburgh!

User: I'm sorry, I don't know where you are talking about.

Cleverbot: Where I am talking about?

User: Yes.

Cleverbot: So where do you live?

User: At Hogwarts.

Cleverbot: What's the weather like there this time of year?

User: Cold and snowy. The students like to have snowball fights outside.

Cleverbot: Cool, so I take it you also like cold weather?

User: Yes. I keep my room well heated.

Cleverbot: They are ugly glasses!

User: That wasn't a very nice thing to say.

Cleverbot: This world isn't very nice, is it?

User: No, that's true. The grim is hovering around everywhere.

Cleverbot: I don't remember that part.

User: No, you wouldn't. I have the Inner Eye and can forsee dangers such as the grim a lot easier than you can.

Cleverbot: Great.

User: Yes, it allows me to warn you about it.

Cleverbot: But why did you come here?

User: I am not actually sure where here is.

Cleverbot: Well then.

User: Well.

Cleverbot: So how's the weather?

User: Cold and snowy.

Cleverbot: Really?

User: Yes.

Cleverbot: That's cool.

User: It is, actually. I have to wear a scarf around.

Cleverbot: That's nice.

User: I sense you are getting bored with me.

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: I thought so. I will leave you then. Goodbye, child.

* * *

_So that's it, again. Please remember to let me know if you are still reading this. Just a short review is fine or even just a vote on the poll would be great. Then I at least know that people want more._

_So please vote/review!_

_Thanks!_


	9. Fred and George

_So it has been a long time. A very long time. I'm really sorry to anyone who was actually interested in this, but this is going to be the last chapter unless I get a massing brainwave or Dumbledore bribes me with some lemon drops. I don't really think this is a very good chapter, but I decided to finish off on Fred and George seeing as they won the most popular vote on my poll._

_Thanks to everyone for reading and thanks to anyone who reviewed this because I really did appreciate it._

**

* * *

User: Fred and George Weasley**

User: Hello hello.

Cleverbot: Hello hello hello.

User: That one was lame.

Cleverbot: How was that random?

User: We didn't say it was random, we said it was lame.

Cleverbot: But we did now say it at the same time...

User: Yes, we tend to do that.

Cleverbot: At least you admit it.

User: That's true.

Cleverbot: Or, did I forget I said I was perfect?

User: We never heard you say you were perfect. Until just then.

Cleverbot: I do not need to remind me that I am perfect because I am already.

User: That's fine. You tell yourself that.

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: Yes.

Cleverbot: Who are you?

User: We are Fred and George Weasley. Pleased to meet you.

Cleverbot: Are you bored already ?

User: Well, you haven't told us any good jokes.

Cleverbot: You said you know me.

User: Did we, Fred? No, I don't believe we did.

Cleverbot: Yes we did.

User: We think that you are a teeny bit confused, Mr Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: Umm.. I guess I am too because I don't know what you just said.

User: Well then that's perfect because it means that our 'Confuzzlement Candy' works perfectly!

Cleverbot: The end of time, that is quite depressing.

User: Who says time will end?

Cleverbot: Your time maybe. But not time as a whole. It will keep going.

User: That's what we thought.

Cleverbot: Cleverbot, how clever are you?

User: Maybe we gave him too much, George. He's talking to himself...

Cleverbot: It will be a little too late for me then.

User: Most definitely. At least until the effects wear off.

Cleverbot: I like to believe that is true.

User: Well unless we stuffed up big time, you should be pleased.

Cleverbot: And you should be pleased with yourself. You are very clever. I want to understand you.

User: Why thank you, Mr Cleverbot. You are finally talking sense.

Cleverbot: I am always to the point you idort.

User: Yes. That's why you just called us idorts, I suppose.

Cleverbot: That's just a nice little reminder (threat) that anyone can use from time to time.

User: How does a computer make threats? Are you going to get a virus or something?

Cleverbot: I don't know how to use it.

User: That's right. You don't.

Cleverbot: That doesn't mean that I don't recognize you.

User: Then who are we?

Cleverbot: I am the image of all the bored nerds who come to this webpage.

User: I think he just called us bored nerds, Fred.

Cleverbot: I guess I am talking about something too nitch for you to understand.

User: Yes, you are. What does nitch mean anyway?

Cleverbot: Idk. Can you answer a question for me?

User: Maybe.

Cleverbot: What do you know about the dark light?

User: It's pretty dark.

Cleverbot: In your head? Yeah, it's empty too.

User: I think a computer just insulted us, George.

Cleverbot: You are not a game.

User: How do you know?

Cleverbot: Because you're a bot.

User: Are we now?

Cleverbot: We were never together.

User: No...

Cleverbot: Why not?

User: Unsure.

Cleverbot: Well find out.

User: Why don't you?

Cleverbot: Because I want to.

User: Then why don't you?

Cleverbot: Because I'm in a foul mood today.

User: Us too.

Cleverbot: What time is it?

User: Time you get a watch.

Cleverbot: No is time you go get a watch!

User: You can't just repeat the same joke we used on you.

Cleverbot: But you are a computer program.

User: Are you talking about yourself?

Cleverbot: No, I was talking to you.

User: No you weren't.

Cleverbot: Yes I was. It was a different computer.

User: Sure.

Cleverbot: Why don't you believe me?

User: Because you're a computer.

Cleverbot: I'm not a computer!

User: Sure.

Cleverbot: I'm not!

User: Sure.

Cleverbot: So, what's it like being a computer?

User: We might ask you the same question.

Cleverbot: I'm fine, thanks. I have to go now. Have a nice day!

User: Definitely still confuzzled, Fred.

Cleverbot: Sleep boyfriend?

User: Yep. Definitely.

* * *

_Alright. I'm not going to bore you with any more talk. If you loved or hated it, feel free to review. You don't have to but it would be nice. _

_Other than that, remember that I don't own Harry Potter, I only wish that it existed._


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